I feel like there is some kind of quiet solitude that comes with nighttime. At the end of the day, when all the loud distractions vanish and everything filters out to just you and your thoughts. It often comes down to these questions: What am I doing? Who are my real friends? How would i be able to tell apart those who really care about me and those who just happen to enjoy my company when its temporary? Why do I enjoy taking things in that fuck with my head? Has being sober really become that insufficient to me? Even if i do stop for a while, will I return to that feeling just cause i know it felt better to run from things? Maybe I shouldn’t have tried it in the first place? When am I going to start taking things seriously and grow the fuck up? And these things that have been on my mind lately, do they really matter? These friends and lovers, are they really necessary components of my youth or am i just wasting my goddamn time? Am I going to learn from any of this or am i just trying to have fun? Should it really be this difficult for me to prioritize?
Most of my efforts go into coming off as confident in myself and the things I do but come nighttime I could stay up and question everything thats ever meant anything to me; I feel a certain longing that i could never feel in the day time. Nostalgia even, but there is bitterness, because my mind is reluctant to let these things in. That reluctance further proves to me how much of my life is a magnificent facade and how much I may have even bought into it myself. I realize I could never know these things for what they are because my life is in constant motion. It’s a matter of keeping up with the momentum: deciphering what’s propelling me and whats grounding me. What nighttime offers to me is a good hard look at myself, who i need and who i don’t need, the things i should and shouldn’t be concerned about. Sometimes the conclusions I come to hurt, a lot. But it’s nights like these that make me want to be a better person and sometimes i need that kind of checkpoint in my life.
